


Til Death Do Us Part

by GiGi87



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-26 04:22:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12051234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiGi87/pseuds/GiGi87
Summary: What if Valentine also took Alec and Magnus when he took Jace to the ship? Magnus to control Alec to control Jace. And for fun, of course.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So my muse took a turn down the dark road and here's what happened. Figured I share just because.

Valentine motions to Alec and Magnus, “Bring them too.” He hands something to one of his henchman, “Put this on the warlock to keep him under control.”

Alec struggles against the arms holding him, but is held back by the seraph blade at his neck. He watches, helpless, while the men cuff something around Magnus’ wrists that flashes a bright white before settling. He glances at Jace who as at a loss as he himself is.

Valentine motions his men through the portal, some ushering Jace, Magnus and Alec through.

Alec steps through the portal and his feet land on metal, he wrenches his neck around, desperate to see Magnus and Jace. Moments after each other they come through the portal, with their own chaperones at their sides.

“Magnus! Jace! Are you okay?” Alec calls out. The men at his sides yank roughly on his arms, forcing him to face forward again. He hears Valentine’s laugh.

“This is going to be fun. Jonathan, I’ve brought these two for some fun. Get some practice with downworlder scum, and then this one,” Valentine point to Alec with his seraph blade, “This one is insurance… for now at least.”

Jace strains against the men holding him, “I’ll do whatever you want just let them go.”

Valentine shakes his head, “No.” He turns to his men, “Chain our charges up in the vault. Put Jonathan in the outside room.”

The men guide Jace, Alec and Magnus down into the ship, and pause at a small door. The men with Jace break off and go in the room.

“Alec!-“ Jace calls, cut off by the door slamming shut.

“Jace!” Alec calls back, but he’s being hauled further down the hallway. “Magnus!” He tries to twist around to see Magnus, but can’t manage to.

The men pull him through the next doorway and haul him forward and to the left, to a pole in the corner. He struggles against their hold, but isn’t able to gain much ground. He ends up with his wrists bound to the pole at his back, his ankles secured as well. The men then exit the room.

Alec immediately calls out, “Magnus?” He finds him across the room, bound in a similar fashion. Magnus looks so pale, “Are you alright?”

Magnus grimaces and nods, “I’m alright. It’s just… it’s draining my magic… my energy…”

“Don’t worry, we’ll get out of this. We’ll find a way.”

Magnus gives Alec a weak smile, “Alexander-“

They’re interrupted by echoing shouts, which grow louder and then the door is flung open. Valentine walks in followed by his men, ushering Jace in as well.

“Jonathan. Let’s get right to it shall we?” Valentine asks over his shoulder while leering at Magnus.

Alec strains against his bonds, “Leave him be. Do what you want to me. Just leave him alone.”

Valentine cocks his head and looks at Alec, “I had heard about your unnatural obsession with the warlock, but to see it.” He tsks, then walks closer to Alec. He touches the flat side of his blade to Alec’s chin and lifts up. “You are a disgrace. Cavorting with downworlders. Offering yourself up in their place?”

Valentine drops his blade from Alec’s chin and walks towards Magnus, “Now Jonathan. Come show me you haven’t forgotten all I taught you.”

The men shove Jace forward, who stumbles but comes to a stop just behind Valentine.

“No.”

“No?!” Valentine asks, incredulous.

“No.” Jace repeats.

Valentine frowns then turns abruptly on his heel and gets close to Magnus, “I’ll just have to remind you then, won’t I Jonathan?”

Alec feels his heart in his throat, thumping in panic. As Valentine kneels at Magnus’ side, Alec calls out, “No!” He is ignored. He desperately works his hands and wrists against the bindings. He feels flesh tear and blood leak, but he makes no headway. He meets Magnus’ eyes, so calm where his are desperate. Magnus gives him a weak smile and Alec is swept up in a surge of utter desperation.

Valentine pulls out a dagger, “I’ve heard warlock blood is worth quite a bit these days.” He reaches out the tip to touch against Magnus’ forearm.

Jace lunges forward but is quickly caught by Valentine’s men who pull him back and keep him restrained.

Magnus huffs a laugh, “I never thought you’d peddle with downworlders.”

Valentine smirks, “Oh I won’t. I don’t need the money, and to be honest… I don’t want to contaminate myself with your filthy blood.”

“Then leave him alone. I’ll do whatever you want Valentine. Just leave Magnus alone.” Alec begs.

Valentine frowns and sighs, but addresses Magnus, “You’ve really done a number on the boy. Tell me how you did it.”

Magnus smiles, “Didn’t even need magic.”

Valentine digs the dagger into Magnus’ forearm, blood pooling immediately, “Don’t taunt me warlock.”

Magnus hisses in pain as Valentine starts to drag the dagger down towards Magnus’ wrist, the deep cut quickly welling with blood in its wake.

Alec’s heart rate sky rockets and he struggles against his bindings again, desperation consuming him. He is saying no over and over again.

Jace folds over in pain from his parabatai bond. The overwhelming fear, anger and pain is staggering.

Valentine pauses to glance at Jace, but turns back to watch the blood flow from Magnus’ arm to start dripping on the floor. He smiles at Magnus, “Shall we do the other?” He reaches out to tilt Magnus’ wrists to access the unharmed arm. Magnus winces at the movement but has no energy to do anything else. Valentine presses the dagger point in by Magnus’ elbow and shreds the skin downwards to the wrist.

“I’ll admit, this isn’t what I normally would do. It’d be nicer to take my time taking you apart warlock, but I don’t have that today.” Valentine stands, wiping off the dagger. Valentine, the men and Jace leave the room.

Alec, still straining against the bindings on his wrists, pleads, “Magnus! Magnus, we have to stop the bleeding. Can you - can you press them against something? Maybe each other?”

Magnus turns his head slowly to Alec, startlingly pale, “Alexander…” He forces a weak smile to his face, “I love you.”

Panic shoots through Alec’s veins, “Mags no. Don’t start that. It’ll be okay. I’m trying - I’m going to get to you, okay? We just need - just need to stop the bleeding.” He can feel the slickness on his wrists but continues to writhe and yank and push. Anything to get free. He needs to get to Magnus.

The blood soaking Magnus’ jeans is now running down the sides to the floor. Magnus can feel the life leeching out of his body. He can no longer move, so he just looks his fill at Alec. Wanting to memorize every little detail to take with him to wherever he’s headed.

“Magnus! Please!” Alec begs, tears filling his eyes, “I can’t - I can’t live without you.”

“I’ll wait for you angel. Wherever I go, I’ll wait for you.” Magnus whispers.

A heart wrenching sob explodes from Alec’s chest, “No! Magnus! No!”

Magnus’ eyes flutter shut, and Alec’s world comes crashing down. His heart stop. Not just skips, not just stutters. It stops. It comes back online and Alec heaves a breath, eyes fixed on Magnus’ chest, willing it to move. He’s no longer aware of his bleeding, chafed wrists, or the tears on his face, or the pleas escaping his throat. Magnus’ chest rises, once, twice, then no more.

Alec’s pain soaked screams are echoed by Jace who feels all the despair through the bond. No one on the boat can escape them, even though they try.

—

Alec doesn’t know how much time has passed. He has finally stilled for a moment, the screams silenced. His tears spent. He is alone in the room with Magnus’ body, with Magnus’ lifeblood dried in pools on the floor. Pain, still fresh, lances through his chest again. He doesn’t think it’ll ever stop. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to look. It hurts to _exist_ , here, without Magnus’ light.

Alec studies Magnus’ face again, a peaceful expression resting there. Apart from how pale he is, you could almost believe Magnus was just sleeping, until you took in the rest of him. Alec chokes on another sob, surprised there is anything left to express his grief. A surge of anger makes him yank his wrists yet again against his restraints. He feels the crusted blood, and the dull pain, and now a fresh wetness leaking onto his wrists. He takes a stuttering breath, his body trying to fill his lungs with air he doesn’t quite want. _Magnus_ , his soul calls out, _Magnus_.

Alec blinks his dry eyes closed and leans against the pole. His memories play in slow motion, each one of Magnus. Happy, sad, angry, powerful, no memory pushed aside. He wants it all, all of his short time with Magnus, all of it.

Alec startles when the door bursts open, opening his eyes. Jace is shoved in hard, causing him to fall to his knees. Then the door is yanked shut and he hears the lock engage.

Jace looks up at Alec and pauses, there on his knees, the pain from the bond intense enough to require concentration to move. He lurches to his feet and to Alec’s side. He falls back to his knees and pulls Alec into a hug.

“Alec. I’m so sorry.” Jace whispers into Alec’s shoulder.

Alec is empty inside. Nothing there but surging pulses of pain and grief. He rests his forehead against Jace’s shoulder and swallows, trying to wet his dry throat. Alec closes his eyes and rests in his parabatai’s embrace. Grief overwhelms him again, and he can feel the wetness of tears in his eyes, on his cheeks. He pulls against the bindings on his wrists again, the metal clanging, wishing to grip his parabatai back, in hopes Jace could ground him. Save him from the undertows of emotion that threaten to take him again.

“J’ce.” He rasps into Jace’s shoulder, unable to usher forth more words.

Jace brings a hand to Alec’s head and strokes through his hair, “I know Alec. I’m here.”

With his free hand Jace begins to rub up and down Alec’s spine, trying to soothe him. Jace is at a loss though, he has almost never been on this side of providing comfort, at least not to Alec. Alec has always been the stoic, strong, older brother who offered security and comfort to others. But through the bond, Jace can feel the sharp edges of the shattered shards of Alec’s self, fogs of grief and pain creeping around. He needed to be the strong one this time. He needed to get Alec out of here, alive. 

“I’m going to get us out of here Alec. I promise.” Jace continues to hold Alec, he can feel a damp spot on his shoulder, his shirt sticking to his skin. There’s no response from Alec, like the body he’s holding is no longer full, like Alec has retreated.

After a time Jace pulls away gently, and Alec returns to resting his back against the pole. Jace puts a hand to Alec’s cheek, “What can I do Alec?”

Alec opens his eyes and Jace’s heart skips a beat at the dead expression in them. Jace turns to Magnus’ body, unsure what to do.

Jace twists towards the door at the lock clicking, and the door opens, Valentine in the frame.

“How’s the happy little family doing?” Valentine laughs. He strides into the room, followed by some of his men. He takes a few steps forward and kicks at Magnus’ boots. “I’m thinking we give the scum a proper send off, worthy of his race. What do you say?”

Jace stands up, feeling the panic through the bond. It threatens to cripple him. He hears Alec struggling at his side, metal chain clanking against the pole.

“Let us do it.” Jace pleads.

Valentine smirks, “Maybe if you behave I’ll let you,” His face turns to a sneer, “but that _boy_ isn’t going anywhere.” He points at Alec with his blade.

Valentine motions his men forward towards Magnus’ body and Alec loses it. His yells echo off the walls, surrounding them in the small room, his pleas for them to leave Magnus alone. To _please_ leave Magnus alone. To let him do it. To let him say goodbye. To touch him one last time. He strains against the restraints, heedless of the wounds reopening, the pain. He needs Magnus. He _needs_ him.

Valentine laughs in the wake of Alec’s begging, turns to Jace and cocks his brow, “Well? Are you going to behave and do what I say? Or shall I get them to throw the trash overboard?”

Jace takes a quick step forward, “I’ll do whatever you want. Just let me do this.” He knows Alec is close to a breaking point that he’s unsure if he’ll be able to pull Alec back from. Maybe if he can take care of Magnus, Alec won’t suffer as much.

Valentine motions his men away from the body, “Ok Jonathan. I know you’re a man of your word. Let’s go.”

Jace kneels next to Alec who has gone quiet again, “Alec, I’ll do it right, ok? Like you’d want. I promise.”

Alec flicks his eyes to Jace and nods weakly before returning his eyes to Magnus’ body.

Jace stands and walks over to Magnus’ body. At Valentine’s direction he remove the magic blocking cuffs, though he does so with the upmost care. He undoes the various bindings then stoops down to lift Magnus up. He pauses to look at Alec and tries to send empathy and comfort through the bond, but doesn’t see an effect in Alec’s gaze. Alec is staring at Magnus, trying to drink in this last moment, a wordless goodbye.

Valentine, impatient, swings his sword sharply to the door, and Jace carries Magnus out.

Silence hangs in the room as Alec is left behind. The wave of grief and pain overtakes him, and he becomes them, no sense of anything except them. Every cell of his body and all of his soul is now filled with pain and grief. A name resonates through his being, _Magnus_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to my muse and a few requests, here's some more for this verse. For this story Magnus' and Alec's relationship was further along then it was in the show at the point when Valentine took Jace. So Alec's deeper into this then he may have been.  
> If there's requests for more I may add, or I may add anyway. We'll see.

The escape -maybe it was a rescue?- is a muddied mess in his mind. He doesn’t remember much. He just knows that he’s now in one of the private Infirmary rooms at the Institute. People have tried to talk to him, find out what’s happened, but he hasn’t spoken. Someone had drawn iratzes on him, but they are slow to work on the battleground that are his wrists. 

Alec is curled up on his side, facing the wall, his eyes closed. He’s drifting in an empty blackness, numb.

When Jace finally comes to see him, Alec finally makes eye contact. Jace flinches at the dead look in Alec’s eyes. They hadn’t seen each other since Jace took Magnus’ body.

“Alec.” Jace says, coming to a stop at Alec’s side. He reaches out and rests a hand on Alec’s arm.

Alec just looks at him.

“I’m so sorry Alec.” Jace squeezes the hand on Alec’s arm. 

When he again gets no response he reaches into his pocket. Alec notices a glimmer of silver from what Jace has in his hand.

“I - um- when I - when -.” Jace pauses to take a deep breath, “Before I let Ma- Magnus’ body go - I - uh -“ He looks away,  “I took one of his rings. - I think he’d - he would have - wanted you to - to have it.”

Jace holds out his hand, a silver ring resting on his palm. Alec’s eyes narrow and then grief blooms in his chest. It was Magnus’ favorite ring, with his initials ‘MB’ on it. Alec’s hand is shaking when he reaches for the ring. His hand closes over it and he squeezes the ring tight. He brings his hand down and presses it against his chest.

“Th-“ Alec tries to clear his throat, his voice raspy from disuse, “Thank you.”

Jace pulls a stool over with his foot and sits down so he’s up against the edge of the bed at Alec’s side. He reaches out for Alec’s free hand and intertwines their fingers, palms pressed firmly against each other. Jace rests his free hand on Alec’s arm, and then his forehead on top of their clasped hands.

Alec falls apart silently next to his parabatai. Tears streaming from his closed eyes. Jace feels the grief through the bond and just tries to send and give comfort and acceptance back.

—

The next time he becomes aware his surroundings is when he hears a woman calling his name, and arguing with Izzy. Their squabbling continues until a woman comes to a stop in front of him. He hear Izzy’s scolding the woman, but he just looks up at the woman’s face. Catarina.

Her gaze meets his and he can tell when she confirms what she was about to ask. A broken word escapes her lips, “Magnus.”

A sob escapes her chest and she reaches out for Alec who goes willingly into her arms. He gingerly hugs her back, keeping his wrists away from her clothes. He feels her chest shudder out another cry and he breaks. He can’t feel anything except the pain, and knew she was feeling it to.

“I’m - sor- sorry.” He says between sobs.

Time passes as they cling to one another. Eventually they separate, though Catarina grasps one of Alec’s hands tightly and doesn’t let go. She sits at his side and runs her free hand through his hair. 

They are left alone and, for a time, sit in silence. 

Catarina eventually takes his hands in hers, and sends out a pulse of magic to heal his wrists.

“Thank you.” Alec says on a breath.

Catarina nods and wipes under her eyes, across her cheeks, with her hands. She gazes down at Alec fondly. She looks down at Alec’s left hand, at Magnus’ ring resting there on his finger, his ring finger. Catarina reaches out again to run her fingers through his hair. 

She sighs, “Oh Alec. Magnus loved you more than words can express. You were so very dear to him.”

Alec squeezes his eyes shut against the onslaught of emotions brought up by her words. No. He can’t do this. Magnus wasn’t supposed to go first. It was supposed to be him, why wasn’t it him?

He took a deep breath, his chest hitching. “Cat - I can’t -“

Catarina sniffles, “I know Alec. I understand.”

She stands up and takes a deep breath in, then out, “I’ll go to the loft to put up some basic wards. I’ll come back to see you tomorrow, and I can take you to the loft if you want.”

Alec nods and they give each other’s hand a squeeze before Catarina leaves.

—

Jace takes Alec back to his room shortly after Catarina leaves. With no physical injuries, he didn’t need the Infirmary any longer.

He barely registers the dark sky outside his window. He goes straight to the bed and climbs on it. He curls up on his side, facing away from the door.

He must have fallen asleep because he’s awoken by the bed dipping on both sides of him. He recognizes the forms of Izzy and Jace as they surround him and hug him from both sides. He tucks his face into Jace’s shoulder, and rests his arm over Izzy’s circling his waist.

He doesn’t feel better -he doesn’t think he ever will- but he does feel secure. Here, in the arms of his siblings. He feels safe here.

It doesn’t take long for him to succumb to sleep, letting himself go in search of Magnus.

—

Alec finds himself at the doors to the loft. His hands flat against the wood, his forehead resting against it. He can feel the writhing emotions in the depths, threatening to make an appearance. He breathes in slowly, deeply. He runs his thumb against the ring that has adorned his finger since Jace had given it to him. A physical reminder of who was taken, no that’s not the right word. Ripped, yes, _ripped_ from his soul.

After a few minutes he takes out his key and unlocks the door. He presses softly on the door, pushing it open. Tears are already flooding his eyes as he takes a step inside onto the rug. 

“I’ll wait out here for a moment.” Catarina says, reminding him of her presence.

He nods and gently presses the door shut behind him. He turns side to side, eyes tracing the familiar sights of the entryway. He tucks the key back in his pocket.

Alec is struck with the desire to call out for Ma- … for _him_. He desperately wishes he could rewind time, even if it would be just a few more moments with him, anything. He puts one foot in front of the other and ends up in the living room. His eyes ping pong on each item, memories threatening him with each item. He takes a stuttering breath and squeezes his eyes shut, forcing tears out onto his cheeks. He presses a hand against his chest, trying to put pressure against the black hole that’s taken up residence there. Space forever emptied now that _he_ is gone.

Alec hugs his arms tightly to his chest, trying to hold himself together, prevent himself from shattering apart yet again. He chokes back cries and blinks back tears. He wipes under his eyes roughly. He moves and finds himself in the doorway of the bedroom. His gaze falls on the bed, covers still thrown back, unmade from the morning of that final day. He takes a few steps forward, then falls to his knees at the edge of the bed. His hands grip the sheets, his cheek against the bedspread. He loses time at that point. Tears, sobs, utter sorrow, all that he knows. Memories spark behind his eyelids, but everything is tinged gray.

When he has exhausted all his tears and cries, he staggers to his feet, toes off his boots, and climbs onto the bed. He lays on his side, facing the side _he_ always slept on. Alec reaches for _his_ pillow and hugs it to his chest. He presses his face into the pillow and inhales. There is the faintest trace of _his_ scent lingering. New tears form and begin to fall. 

—

Hushed voices wake Alec. It takes a few disorienting moments to remember where he is. The pillow hugged tight against his chest. He feels dried tears on his face. He sits up and rubs his hands over his cheeks. He runs his fingers through his hair, trying to flatten it. 

He returns to hugging the pillow for a few seconds. Giving himself extra time to hover in this space where the pain is present but not overwhelming.

Alec eventually gets out of bed, straightening it behind him, too much of a habit to ignore. The sight of the smoothed covers cause the pain to throb. He was never going to be here with _him_ again. He wanders to the vanity where the expansive jewelry is displayed. His fingers trailed over the rings then along the necklaces. Flashes of Magnus moving with the jewelry twinkling as light hit them fill his mind. A sad smile quirks his lips.

He takes a seat at the vanity and opens the drawers. Makeup of all kinds on the left, nail polishes of every color on the right. 

A knock sounds at the door followed by Izzy calling his name, “Alec?”

He clears his throat, but his voice still comes out hoarse, “Yeah?”

Izzy pushes the door open, pausing in the doorway to look him over. She then makes her way over and sits at his side on the bench, “What are you doing?”

He shrugs, fingers still trailing over the tops of nail polishes in one of the drawers. Izzy puts her hands on his shoulders, rests her chin on top of one.

“You okay?”

Alec shakes his head and whispers, “I don’t think I’ll _ever_ be okay Iz.” Tears threaten the backs of his eyes again.

Izzy rubs his back and watches him. He feels so small, so lost. Afloat without an anchor, waves crashing down threatening to capsize him.

“One day you will. The pain will never go away, but it won’t be there every second anymore.”

Alec brings his hands to his lap and rubs his fingers together.

Catarina’s voice makes him look up, “Do you want to take anything with you?” She motions to the vanity, “I’m sure he’d want you to have everything and anything.”

Alec blinks quickly to keep the tears back. He looks over the jewelry, the make up, the nail polishes.

Catarina smiles softly, “There’s the rest of the loft for you to look at too. His office with all those books…”

Alec takes a deep breath, feeling overwhelmed, “You should go through those, all those spells. They’d be more useful to you rather than me.”

Izzy notices and pats his arm, “One thing at a time big brother. One thing at a time.”

Catarina nods, “Yes, you don’t have to choose everything right now. You can take your time.”

“It’s all-“ Alec tries to motion with his hands, trying to think of the words to express his thoughts, his emotions. His breath hitches with the desire to cry, “so much.” He pauses to take a deep breath, “What will-“ He coughs to clear his throat, “will happen to the loft?”

Catarina sighs, crosses her arms and leans against the door frame, “Magnus wanted me to have it. I haven’t decided if I can live here yet.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Alec looks at the room via the mirror. Izzy still rubbing his back, leaned against his side. He rubs his arms and looked back at Catarina, “I - um - have a key- Do you - you want it back?”

Catarina smiles at him and shakes her head, “No, you keep it. This place is as much yours as it is mine. We’ll figure it out.”

Alec nods and looks down at his hands.

Jace appears in the doorway, “Alec. How about some food? I ran out and brought some carry out.”

Alec smiles wanly at his parabatai, “Okay.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are from The Other Side- Ruelle

_I don't want to know who we are without each other_

_It's just too hard_

Izzy and Jace have cleared the table and are cleaning dishes in the kitchen. 

Catarina reaches out and grasps Alec’s hand. She squeezes and he returns it, smiling faintly at her.

“Can I - uh- stay here tonight?”

Catarina nods, “Of course. I know you’ve been staying here.”

Alec blinks back tears, “It’s - uh - home. Or - it was.”

Catarina rests her hand on the side of Alec’s face, “It can still be. As long as you want it.”

“But what about - you?”

Catarina sighs, withdrawing her hand from his face, “Whether I come here or not, Magnus would want you to have a place here.”

“I don’t have the money-“

Catarina shushes him, “Magnus has extensive wealth hidden away. Enough to take care of much more than we could ever need.”

Alec sighs and wipes his eyes, looking away. When he looks back at her his eyes are full of tears, “I tried Cat.” He tries to muffle a sob, “I tried.”

Catarina wraps her arms around his shoulders, “I know darling.”

The ‘darling’ does it, it cracks him open and again he breaks. He twists in Catarina’s arms and sobs into her shoulder. He wraps his arms around her waist and lets himself go.

Jace and Izzy come back from the kitchen at the noise of Alec’s sobs. They kneel at Alec’s sides and envelop him in their arms as well. Alec needed them to help hold him together, and they were willing to do anything, _anything_ he needed.

 

_I don't want to leave here without you_

_I don't want to lose part of me_

Once Izzy and Jace hear of Alec’s plan to stay for the night, they immediately insist on staying as well. Alec doesn’t have the energy to argue, truthfully he feels better with them near.

Jace and Alec strips to shirts and boxers, and Alec gives Izzy one of his shirts.

They climb in bed, Alec is again in the middle. Alec takes Magnus’ pillow and hugs it tight to his chest, under his chin. Izzy spoons him from the back, her arm draped over his waist. Jace is facing Alec, watching his parabatai’s face. He moves closer until their foreheads touch. He rests a hand on Alec’s elbow.

“Do you know what you want to do?” Jace murmurs.

“No, not about anything.” Alec whispers back.

“You have time.”

Alec sighs, “Yeah.”

“You know you can come to me about anything right Alec?”

Alec gives a small nod against Jace’s forehead.

“Parabatai, I love you. I’m here for you.”

Alec gives a small smile, “Love you too Jace.”

 

_Will I recover?_

_That broken piece, let it go and unleash all the feelings_

Alec blinks his eyes open against the bright sunlight. He feels sand against his bare feet. There’s a breeze against his bare chest, sounds of waves in his ears. A hand holding his. _A hand_? He turns his head to the side and sees Magnus in all his bronze skinned glory.

“Alexander, what do you think? What a view right?” Magnus laughs and looks at Alec. Magnus pulls his sunglasses up and rests them on top of his head. His eyes crinkle at the sides with his smile.

Alec’s heart clenches painfully in his chest. Stunned, he doesn’t know what to do. Magnus was here. _Magnus_. Frozen, he stares at Magnus’ face, drinking every detail in. He tightens his hand around the one in his.

It is one of those rare times where Magnus is bare. No makeup, no necklaces, no styled hair, only two rings. His nails are a blue to match the ocean.

“I love you.” Alec says, forcing all his longing and love into the statement. Finally able to move he turns his body to the side and embraces Magnus. He nuzzles his face in Magnus’ neck and clings to him. He can smell Magnus. Sandalwood, the burnt sugar of his magic. His hands flatten under the skin underneath.

“I love you too darling.” Magnus hugs him and smoothes a hand up and down his back.

“I miss you.” Alec murmurs against Magnus’ neck.

Magnus’ body relaxes in Alec’s arms, “I do too angel. But I’m here now.”

Alec lets go and moves his hands to Magnus’ cheek. Brokenly he says “ _Stay_.”

Magnus grasps one of Alec’s wrist lightly, “For a little while.”

Tears fall from Alec’s eyes, spilling onto his cheeks, running down and off his chin. Magnus reaches up and softly wipes the tears away with his thumbs. A sigh escapes his lips. Magnus moves his hands and removes Alec’s from his face, then guides Alec down to sit in the sand. Their knees rub against each other. Alec leans forward, needing to be as close to Magnus as he can. Their hands rest between them, fingers intertwined.

“Are you okay? In pain?” Alec asks.

Magnus shakes his head, “No pain darling. Just missing you.”

Alec squeezes his eyes shut, “I can’t live with you Mags. I can’t do this without you.”

“Look at me.”

Alec opens his eyes and looks at golden cat eyes.

Magnus smiles softly, “You are my shadowhunter. You are my _warrior._ You have limitless strength, intelligence and intense love. Everything I adore about you makes you special. Not just to me, but the world.”

Fresh tears spill from Alec’s eyes, “I don’t want a life that doesn’t have you in it.”

Magnus sighs, pained, “Oh darling, we don’t have a choice. We’ve been dealt the cards, now we have to decide what to do going forward.”

Alec confesses on a whisper, “I don’t want to _live_ without you. I need to be with you. Take me with you.”

Magnus cradles Alec’s cheeks in his palms, “No Alexander. It’s not your time. The world needs you. You still have so many lives to save, to keep safe.”

“Can’t someone else do that? I just want to be with you Magnus. The pain…” Alec trails off, unable to vocalize or describe it.

Magnus responds, stern, “Alexander. No. You have a path, you have a life to live. It’s not your time. But I promise I’ll wait for you.”

Alec looks into Magnus’ golden gaze.

Magnus continues, “Darling, I’ll wait for you. I promise.”

Alec’s hands encircle Magnus’ wrists, “I need you Magnus. I’m so lost without you.”

Magnus gives him a pained smile, “It’s alright to be lost. You’ll find your way.”

Alec blinks his eyes as the world and Magnus shimmer in front of him. “What’s happening?” He tightens his hold on Magnus.

Magnus turns grim, “Time’s up. Time to wake up angel.”

“No!” Alec yells, “Not yet. I need more time.”

Magnus leans forward to press another kiss to Alec’s lips, “Remember you are my warrior. You’ll do what’s right, I know you will. I’ll visit again soon.”

Alec feels Magnus caress his face before everything fades away.

 

_Did we ever see it coming?_

_Will we ever let it go?_

In the morning they are all getting ready for the day. Jace already in the kitchen fixing breakfast. 

Alec finds himself seated at the vanity staring at his reflection. The mess of hair on his head, his pale skin, the darkened skin under his eyes. He looks down at the vanity top where a few pencils lay. He had found the eyeliners and pulled out a few. He runs his fingers lightly along each one.

 _Remember you are my warrior. You’ll do what’s right_.

If he was going to live, then he would live it for Magnus. Magnus wants him to be a warrior, then he’s going to be one. He’s going to fight and work to make things better as if Magnus was still here. For downworlders, but specifically for Magnus.

And to be a warrior, he needed war paint… and armor. 

He took his time looking through Magnus’ necklaces and selected three of differing lengths for today. He put them on and tucked them underneath his shirt. This was for him to have, no one else.

Izzy exits the bathroom to find Alec at the vanity, “Hey big brother whatcha doing?”

Alec turns to her, “Will you teach me how to do this?”

Izzy steps closer to see him holding out an eyeliner pencil. She smiles, “Of course. Did you pick one already?”

Alec nods, “Black to start.” He hands it to her and moves on the bench to make room for her.

Izzy talks him through the process, step by step, then explained about the various ways to do the edges of the eye. She went with a basic sweep like an eyelash. She did both eyes and then leaned back to inspect her work.

“Well? What do you think?”

Alec leans closer to the mirror and glances back and forth between his eyes. A smile grows on his face. “Perfect Izzy.”

He turns to her and pulls her in for a hug. She hugs him fiercely back.

“It looks good on you. Really accentuates your eyes.”

Alec huffs but smiles at her anyway, “Whatever you say Iz.” 

“Breakfast time?”

Alec nods and they make their way to the kitchen.

Jace is at the stove when they walk in. He glances up before looking back down, then pauses and looks back up at Alec.

“Is that eyeliner?”

Alec flushes but straightens his stance. Jace notices this and holds his hands out in a placating manner.

“Was just going to say you look good Alec. That’s all.”

Alec’s posture softens at Jace’s words.

“Thanks,” He mutters.

Jace adds the final pancake to the stack, “Ready for food?”

 

_We are buried in broken dreams_

_We are knee-deep without a plea_

“Ready to head back to the Institute?” Izzy asks from the open doorway.

Jace pulls on his jacket and pats his hip, checking for his blade, “Yup.” 

Alec adjust the sleeves of his jacket, “Yeah.”

They exit and Alec locks the door of the loft. His hand lingers on the surface before he lets it fall away. He turns and squares his shoulders.

_You are my warrior._

That whispers guides him forward, following behind his siblings.

When they arrive at the Institute’s door Izzy and Jace pause, looking at Alec. Alec takes a big breath and nods, ready.

As they enter eyes glance over them, but pause on Alec. Some widen, some narrow, some just blink. Alec tries not to freeze under the scrutiny. He knew word has probably made it around about Magnus’ death. So they’re all wondering how he’s going to handle it. And here he is, pale, darkened areas under his eyes, eyeliner, and edges of necklaces exposed above his shirt’s collar. 

He takes another deep breath. This was him now, so everyone better get used to it. He straightens to his full height and follows his siblings through the Ops room and into the hallway.

Jace splits off to get Clary, while Alec and Izzy head to Izzy’s room.

 

_I don't want to know what it's like to live without you_

_Don't want to know the other side of a world without you_

_“_ Alexander.” Maryse barks from the doorway.

Alec flinches, the only one allowed to call him that is gone. “It’s _Alec.”_

Maryse frowns and crosses her arms, “You’ve had enough time to grieve. It’s time you return to your duties.”

Izzy sits up, “Mother, it’s only been 3 days. You can’t-“

Maryse interrupts, “3 days is more than enough. He was a downworlder, and lured Alec into tarnishing the Lightwood name.”

Izzy angers, “Magnus loved Alec and Alec loves him.”

Maryse turns from Izzy and looks at Alec head on then blinks in shock at what she sees, “What is on your face?! Are you wearing jewelry?!”

It takes Alec a moment to remember he has eyeliner on, he touches the ring he’s wearing with his fingers and with the other hand he presses down on his chest, feeling the necklaces beneath the shirt, “Eyeliner and yes.”

Maryse’s shoulders rise, “Take them off this instant. That is not appropriate for a man to wear.”

Alec sighs but says firmly, “No.”

Maryse’s eyebrows climb her forehead, incredulous, “No?! Alexander Gideon Lightwood it’s time you return to the real world. That _dalliance_ is over. Now you can move forward and get back on the path laid before you. Maybe even find someone _suitable_ this time.”

Alec’s chest aches with his mother’s words. He sits up, his spine rigid with anger, “Magnus was more than a phase. I told you that this me and now it’s out in the open.”

Maryse huffs, “You’ll get over this ridiculous notion soon enough. I heard you weren’t here last night. I expect you to return to your bedroom here. No more living off site. That ends now.” She shifts her weight to her other leg, “Now, it’s time for you to get back to work. I’ll give you two days of training, then you’ll be back on patrols. I expect you to continue performing at a high level as before. In one week you’ll resume work towards becoming Head of the Institute. It’s about time my son proves his worth.”

Alec just stares at Maryse, incredulous. He’s realizing that she never was a mother, nothing more than the genetic kind. He feels a part of him shrivel slightly, while another hardens. He stands from the bed, straightening to his full height, towering over his mother. “You are not my mother. You never were. You birthed me but that was it. I’m no longer your son. There is no law dictating that I stay at the Institute so I’m going to live where I want. I may be a subordinate right now,” He leans in and down forcing Maryse to tilt her head back a little, the disdain drips from his next words, “but those days are numbered. I’m _done_ with you, Maryse.”

Maryse moves to slap him but he catches her wrist. Fury twists her features.

“You will do as I say. You owe me for the embarrassment you’ve put this family through.”

Alec’s hand tightens around his wrist before dropping it. He crosses his arms, his mouth a grim line, “I owe you _nothing_. I will follow orders, but that is all.”

Maryse fumes, turns on her heel and disappears down the hallway. The clicking of heels fading.

Alec stands there and stares out the doorway. He turns when Izzy comes to his side and leans in to hug him.

“So proud of you big brother.”

Alec leans down and presses a kiss to her hair. He wraps an arm around and hugs her tightly to his side.

 

_Is it fair, or is it fate?_

_No one knows_

Alec starts referring to time as the number of days _after._ Today, 4 days after, he was back to training. Sparring with Jace. Alec is singularly focused to the point where the bond pulsed and they were in perfect sync. He felt eyes on them, the parabatai dueling. When they pause he can hear the whispers. _That’s the one whose warlock boyfriend died. Shouldn’t he be mourning?_ Some are mean, _Must not have loved him_. Others neutral, _he’s dealing with it well_. He shuts them out. How’s he is grieving was no one’s business but his own.

Maryse moves up the schedule and sends Jace and Alec out on patrol that night. They help exterminate several demons, Alec fighting at Jace’s side. They take down the majority just by themselves. The demon ichor and ash seem like a breath of fresh air to Alec.

 _You are my warrior_ , echoes in his head. He does it all for Magnus. Magnus wants him to live and be the protector he is meant to be. So he was going to do that and do everything for Magnus.

Over the next two nights he patrols with Jace and they wipe out so many demons that murmurs follow them through the Ops Room when they return and when they head out the next day.

This, hunting, he could do this.

 

_The stars choose their lovers, save my soul_

_It hurts just the same_

_And I can't tear myself away_

Day 6 is a hard one. He wakes with phantom touches of Magnus’ hands. Tears on his lashes. He presses his face in Magnus’ pillow and takes a deep breath. He’s alone this morning. He had sent Izzy and Jace away last night, insisting he wanted to be alone. That he’d be fine. And he was okay, just feeling worn beneath the weight of Magnus’ absence.

When he’s cleaning the dishes from breakfast Catarina arrives. They exchange pleasantries and Catarina takes a seat at the island, watching Alec dry the dishes. They sit in comfortable silence for a time until Alec puts the dishes away.

“Cat?”

“Yes?”

“What do Warlocks do for funerals?”

Catarina looks at him surprised, “Why?”

“Shouldn’t we - do something - for M- Magnus?”

Catarina smiles, pained, “I was going to do one on my own.”

“Can I help too? It - it doesn’t feel right - to not do something. To honor him.”

Catarina nods, “Are you free tonight? I was hoping to do it today.”

“I am. Will we do it here - or somewhere else?”

“Here will work.”

The next night finds them in the living room, the furniture moved against the walls. Jace, Clary, Izzy and Simon are there to witness since they had also loved Magnus in their own way.

The ceremony is intricate and Alec helps Catarina perform it.

Part of the weight sitting on his chest is lifted once it’s done. Putting Magnus to rest was important to him. Wherever Magnus is, he should be happy while he waits. _Waits for me,_ Alec thinks.

 

 

_Did we ever see it coming?_

_Will we ever let it go?_

Food tastes like ash. So he eats just enough to keep in shape, nothing more. Once in awhile he indulges in a dish that Magnus particularly liked, just for the memories each one was connected to. The conversations they had over different dishes flit through Alec’s head as he eats and he smiles.

He has started perusing the books in Magnus’ office/library. Reading and learning about the topics Magnus was so knowledgeable about. He progresses to the point where he’s able to ask Catarina intricate questions, and answer a few of hers. Magic was a big part of Magnus’ life, so Alec is pleased to become familiar with it, to be connected with Magnus in that way.

 

_We are buried in broken dreams_

_We are knee-deep without a plea_

4 weeks 2 days after: Alec finds himself with energy thrumming underneath his skin. Training does nothing for it. So he asks Izzy and Jace to go with him to Pandemonium. He was ready to visit another place Magnus liked to go. It was time. He didn’t even know who had taken over, maybe Raphael?

Turns out he is right. Simon had given him a heads up, so the bouncer directed them to the VIP section. Once they’re through the first round of drinks, Raphael stops by to say hi. His hand shake lingers for a few second with soft eyes with Alec, but he doesn’t let it last longer than that.

After a second drink Alec feels loose, he takes Izzy’s hand and goes to the dance floor. He knows he not a good dancer, but he can do the basics. So he dances, possibly badly, but he dances. The music pulses in his veins, the bass thumps in the air. He sways, he swivels his hips, he twists and turns. At some point he closes his eyes and leans his head back. Suddenly he feels Magnus’ presence, the swagger, the strong presence. He even thinks he catches a faint whiff of Magnus’ cologne. A smile comes to his face. When he opens his eyes he meets Izzy’s who gives him a hesitant smile. He reaches out for her hands and twirls her around, eliciting a laugh. There. He needed the lightness he felt to spread around.

They stay until Alec has tired himself out. They walk him home, dropping him at the loft, before heading home themselves. 

He falls asleep with a smile on his face.

 

 

_I don't want to know what it's like to live without you_

_Don't want to know the other side of a world without you_

4 months in he gets injured in a hunt. Not a minor one that an iratze can easily heal. This one is deep and jagged, likely with demon poison. His first thought is to call Magnus. He almost says it before he remembers, Magnus isn’t here anymore. That sends a stronger surge of pain through his chest.

Jace and Izzy get him back to the institute where Catarina Loss is called in to heal him.

Catarina’s magic doesn’t feel like Magnus’, a different color even. Another pang of longing hits him.

The smallest things set off his yearning for Magnus. A color sparking a memory of an outfit Magnus was proud of, a shade of eyeshadow glimmering about green brown eyes, nail polish on golden skinned fingers. A smell sends him feeling Magnus against him, his face buried in the crook of Magnus’ neck, breathing deep. A location, the bakery with the best doughnuts, the park where they went for a date. It all causes Magnus to flicker in his sight.

 

_I don't want to know_

_I don't want to know_

9 months in a promising young shadowhunter is sent in to be tutored by Alec and Jace. Mateo worms himself into Alec’s circle quite easily. He sees himself in Mateo. Mateo shares how Alec’s actions helped him gather the courage to come out to his family. It didn’t go well, but he’s here. Mateo is only 3 years younger than them, but does prove himself in the field. 

Jace warns him of Mateo’s hero worship, warns of what he thinks are looks of want. Alec brushes them off. He knows he’ll never find another to love like he did Magnus. He isn’t even really interested.

When Mateo talks to him about maybe dating, Alec lets him down nicely, not ready, not that he thinks he’ll ever be ready. There is an awkwardness for a weeks or so on Mateo’s part, then they get back into their easy flow of working together.

 

_We are buried in broken dreams_

_We are knee-deep without a plea_

10 months in is what would have been their first anniversary finds Alec as the Head of the Institute.

Alec grows silent and keeps to himself as it draws closer. He shrugs off the attempts to cheer him up.

That day he goes to the Hunter’s Moon, the location of their first official date. He doesn’t stay long, just enough to reminisce. Then he spends the rest of the evening in the loft re-reading the book Magnus and he had read together.

 

_I don't want to know what it's like to live without you_

_Don't want to know the other side of a world without you_

1 year to the day hits Alec the hardest. It’s a painful day, but he had debated for a number of weeks and decided to go through with it. He spends the rest of the day going through Magnus’ photo albums with Catarina, listening to the adventures they had had. She doesn’t comment on the gauze on the inside of his right wrist.

The next day he rolls up his sleeve without thinking and Izzy grabs his hand, twisting it over to see the inside of his wrist. Exposing the marriage run tattooed there with MB in script right beneath it.

“Oh Alec.” She breathes, reaching out a finger to trace the rune.

They lock eyes and she gives him a tight hug.

When Jace sees it he just grabs Alec’s hand and pulls him close.

Catarina cries when she sees.

 

_Can't live without you_

As time goes the pain doesn’t come everyday, but it still comes. But he seeks solace in being the warrior Magnus wanted him to be, and with every memory of Magnus he has.


End file.
